Doctor Jokes (english)

Patient:Doctor,I feel so sick I want to die!
Doctor: Don't worry, Just leave that job to me.

Doctor, Doctor everyone keeps throwing me in the garbage.
Don't talk rubbish!

A dentist’s patient was grumbling about the fee. “Two hundred rupees for pulling out a tooth!,” she exclaimed. “And it’s only a minute’s work.”
“Well, if you wish,” the dentist said, “I’ll it out slowly.”

Customer: When I bought this cat, you told me he was good for mice. He doesn’t go near them!
Shopkeeper: Well, isn’t that good for mice?

Patient: “How can I ever repay you for your kindness to me?”
Doctor: “By cheaque, money order, or cash.”

Lady to the doctor over the phone. “ Doctor, I beg of you, please prescribe me something immediately to reduce my weight. My husband has given me a wonderful birthday present, and I can’t get into it. “
Doctor:” Just come over here tomorrow, and I shall give you a prescription. Then you will soon be able to wear your wonderful new dress.”
Lady: “ Who said anything about a dress? I am talking of car.”

Man: "Doctor, Doctor! My wooden leg is giving me a headache!"
Doctor: "Why?"
Man: "Because my wife keeps hitting me on the head with it."

A man visited a headmaster who was playing chess with his dog. "Your dog must be must be very intelligent," said the man.
"Not really," said the headmaster. "I've won three games out of four."

Assistant: Doctor the invisible man has come for his check up.
Doctor: Tell him I can't see him.

"Doctor I keep stealing things. What can I do?"
"Try to resist the temptation but if you can't, get me a new television"

PATIENT:-DOCTOR I AM FEELING SEVER ITCHING,GIVE ME A MEDICINE PLEASE.
DOCTOR:-TAKE THIS SLIP TO THE MEDICAL SHOP
PATIENT:-IF I USE THIS MEDICINE,I CAN SOLVE THIS ITCHING.
DOCTOR:-I GAVE THIS FOR GROWING YOUR NAILS FOR SCRATCHING.

Patient:Why does everyone ignore me?
Doctor:Next Please!!!!!!

Patient:"I want to live doctor when should I take the medicine".
Doctor:"So remember to take the medicine exactly before you feel the pain".

One day a man saw a beggar on the street. He went to him and said "If you stop begging I will pay you Rs 1000 per month".
In reply the bigger said "Come and beg with me and I will pay you Rs5000 per month

A boy to the doctor,"Doctor, Doctor I have lost my memory."
"When did this happen?" asked the doctor.
The boy said,"When did what happen?"

Patient:Doctor!Doctor!One of my eyes is different from the other!
Doctor:Really,which one

Docter: what is your problem?
Patient: I have only one Problem in my life, that is ,when I walk my legs are not joined ,it is always one forwards and one backwards.

Man : Doctor, whenever I drink my coffee,I get a sharp pain in my eye.What should I do?
Doctor : Just remove the spoon from your cup.

Man in Delhi:I have a severe foot ache.
Doctor after examining says-"You should walk for 4 km everyday".
After a month the doctor receives a call from the same patient saying,"I am now in Agra, how much more should I walk?"

Patient: Doctor, i see double
Doctor:sit on the chair please
Patient:which one

patient:doctor,i've lost my memory. doctor:when did this happen?
patient:when did what happen?

Did you hear about the man who ate 106 cloves of garlic a day?
He was taken to hospital in a coma. Poor thing, the doctor said it was from inhaling his own breath!!!

PATIENT:Doctor,Doctor everyone keeps ignoring me.
DOCTOR :Next please.

Doctor:tell me how many fingers are these?
Patient:thirteen.
Doctor :I don't understand your eyes are weak or your arithmetic?

once,before an operation of a patient the doctor was holding a garland in his hands.
Patient:Doctor why are you holding a garland in your hand? Doctor:If the operation is successful, i will wear it to myself or a failure i wear it for you

Once a patient went to the Doctor and said,"my hair is falling .Can u give me anything to keep it in?"
So,then the doctor said, yes u can have a poly thin bag.

What is a definition of a doctor? A person who kills the problem in your body with pills and then kills you with his bills.

Patient : "Doctor, Doctor my hair keeps falling out, can you give me anything to keep it in ?"
Doctor : "Yes, here is a paper bag !"

Nurse: "Wake up man"
Patient: "Why what's the matter"
Nurse: "Nothing, I just forgot to give you the prescribed sleeping pills".

Doctor, doctor, can you give me something for my baldness?
How about a few pounds of pig manure?
Will that cure my baldness?
No, but with that on your head no one will come near enough to notice you're bald.

Once a patient went to the Doctor and said,"my hair is falling .Can u give me anything to keep it in?"
So,then the doctor said tha yes u can hve a polythin bag.

Patient : "Doctor, Doctor my hair keeps falling out, can you give me anything to keep it in ?"
Doctor : "Yes, here is a paper bag !"

Nurse: "Wake up man"
Patient: "Why what's the matter"
Nurse: "Nothing, I just forgot to give you the prescribed sleeping pills".

Son- Daddy why do you wear a mask in operation theater.
Father- Well son , I need to make sure no one identifies me if something goes wrong.
A man to a doctor.

Man:Doctor!!I have started seeing double.
Doctor:Please take a seat.(doctor replied)
Man:Which one??????

Lady over the phone:Doctor,what can I do?My little boy has swallowed my pen?
Doctor:Use a pencil till I come.

Once a patient went to a doctor with a burnt ear.
Doctor: What happened!
Patient: I will not tell u, you'll laugh.
Doctor: If you will not tell me, how will I give u medicine?
Patient- ok!I was pressing clothes. Once the phone ring I picked the press up and said to the press. hello!!

once a patient comes and says that Doctor i cant say clearly whatever i say,i say opposite. than the Doctor said ok speak nigt was dark the dogs were barking stars were twinkling. then the boy said the stars were barking the dogs were dark and the night were twinkling.the Doctor said oh no

one time one mans wife drinks petrol & then started running hear & there,so his husband went running to doctor & said dr my wife has drink petrol & has startted running hear & theare so dr says that dont worry when the petrol will be empty she will stop running.

Once a patient went to a dentist he charged the patient Rs5 after he took out the tooth he charged Rs25 when the patient asked the doctor the reason he said because of your scream the othe 4 patients ran away

once a man went to a dentist. dentist checks his teeth and says dentist:there is a good news and a bad news man:what is the good news dentist:the good news is that your teeth are perfect . man:what is the bad news? dentist:the bad news is that your teeth are so bad that i have to remove all your teeth

John:"When my fingers heal,will I be able to play the piano"?
Doctor:"Of course". John:"Great! I never could before!"

How do you define a hospital?
A hospital is a place where the nurses wake you up to give you sleeping pills.